I haven’t written in awhile….a long while. It hasn’t been that I have been too busy or that I haven’t had things that have been churning inside me. I just haven’t completed the thought. That is what my life has typically been about….living inside a neatly packed box, perfectly wrapped and tied with an equally perfectly coordinated bow. So, my incomplete thoughts I have deemed unworthy of posting. But what am I worried about? It is not like anyone knows about my blog. Because again, why would I want anyone to read and comment on the messy revelations of my soul?
So I decided to write the genesis of these incomplete thoughts. I have decided that not everything always packages itself neatly inside a perfectly wrapped box….or perhaps it just takes time to complete thoughts….like even lifetimes.
Incomplete thought number one….why have I chosen to live inside a box? I have discovered that there is a difference between a boundary and a box. A boundary is protection. It wisely sets limits based on past experiences so that one doesn’t cause damage to one’s heart or soul or very person. Boundaries can even be adjusted based on circumstance or growth. Boundaries are even for the purpose of growth. Boxes on the other hand inhibit growth. They surround on all sides. It feels safe and secure because everything within the little box called my life can be carefully monitored and controlled. The walls become impenetrable. Not only harmful things are kept at bay….but also possibilities. I haven’t often ventured outside my box out of fear of failure, and as a result so many opportunities have been lost. I will never know what may have been if I had only trusted enough to risk venturing beyond the small confines of my boxed world. When is it too late to emerge? Is it ever? And more importantly, what was it that caused me to go inside that box initially? What do I need to let go of to be free of the need to feel the false security of my lifelong residency in this box?
One would have thought that I would have already found answers to these questions and broken down the very walls of the box that I so carefully fashioned. I have actually ventured out of my box twice in my lifetime. The first time I chose to believe God that wherever He would send me I would find joy. I submitted a summer to somewhere that I never thought that I could find joy and that was as a missionary on foreign soil. Alright, so He chose to send me to British Columbia, Canada for a summer….not exactly the armpit of the world. The scenery is beyond breathtaking and His majesty is displayed everywhere you look. But it was more than that. I discovered that there is an amazing heart-bond that is formed when you minister alongside someone for a period of time. We didn’t just become friends; we became family. Plus, pouring your heart into the lives of someone is the best investment of yourself that you can make. I went there as a timid 18 year old little girl and out of survival necessity discovered that God is more than able to provide for our every need and YES the best place that you can ever be is in the center of His will for your life. That is where you find true joy. I would have missed one of the formational foundations of who I am becoming had I not chosen to emerge from my box for that “Summer of 68”. Ironically that experience gave me the courage to venture out one other time….in the “Summer of 69”. I was asked to audition for The New Beginning. I love music. It is my favorite form of communication because you are able to put emotion to your thoughts. Not everyone will listen to a speech or a lecture, not everyone will take the time to read an article or a book……but everyone will listen to music. It is powerful and has the capability of reaching beyond the mind to grab the heart. As strong as my passion was to be able to communicate through this art form, I never was brave enough to risk expressing myself through music outside of my box. But, the little spark of bravery that was ignited that previous summer summoned my courage to respond when I was asked to audition. That didn’t just change my world for a summer; it changed the entire course of my life. I began a journey that gave opportunities that I could have never imagined. I was blessed to spend 8 years living my dream of pursuing my passions….music and Jesus….all over Arizona. His message poured out musically through our hearts changed lives. Whoa….. it still takes my breath away to realize what opportunity I was given. And, those I ministered alongside became more than family. They became everything family should be, but isn’t always. They are my heart family…life long, forever friends.
So, why am I back in my box?
