Psalm 20 - Since You Asked...

The following were questions that were asked of the musical guests for the Youth Specialties Convention this coming Fall. I imagine the purpose was for people to get a better understanding of who they were beyond what people see on stage. Since my blog is basically for that purpose as well…at least it would be if I actually told anyone that I had a blog…I thought I might as well answer the questions too. I mean, I can give useless trivial information that no one really cares about as well as the next person.

As a teenager, who was the biggest influence in your life and in what ways did he/she influence you?

I think that there were two people. One was my grandmother who protected my heart in ways that she will never know. Being my Dad’s mother, she was the one person who could intercede on my behalf against his injustices. I only wished that I had not been separated from her by our move to Arizona when I was 8. The other person was my Sunday School teacher at Bethany Bible Church, Mrs. Slenski. She was faithful to “mother” me spiritually. Her prayers, teaching and affirmation drew me to a clear understanding of what a personal relationship with Christ entailed. My spiritual journey began in her class and continues to this day because of her faithful influence.

Right now, who is the biggest influence on your creativity, thinking, theology or life and how is that influence being played out in your life?

Hummm….right now? Honestly, it is a friend and it is being played out as their influence is allowing me to discover the truth of who I truly am and I am growing through their encouragement to not fear what I was created to be and do.

Who would you like to wrestle?

That depends. For what purpose?

If you could have dinner with anybody who is alive today, who would that be and why?

Whoever it was I would want it to be a one on one conversation because I can get lost in a crowd and I would love their undivided attention. Maybe Billy Graham, but I think I might be too intimidated even though I imagine he is so incredibly gracious and humble. I think I would enjoy dinner with David Crowder because his brain is crazier than mine and I love his music, but he might intimidate me with his razor sharp wit. Perhaps, Shane B for a quiet heart to heart in one of those private booths at The Melting Pot or dessert in the revolving restaurant downtown.

If you could have dinner with anybody in history (not counting Jesus) who would that be and why?

King David because in spite of his imperfections he was described as a man after God’s own heart. I identify with that, plus his prolific writing and his love of music. We could have a harp and tambourine jam.

What drives you crazy?

Chaos…malls during Christmas shopping season….rude people…rush hour traffic…being late for a movie, I have to be there when it starts….people leaving your life, no, that hurts my heart….

Give me three words that describe you?

Honest, compassionate, introspective

With money not being an issue, describe your perfect vacation.

If money were not an issue then I would want to be able to have a different experience yearly. I don’t think that there would be just one perfect vacation. There are too many amazing places out there that I would love to experience. For lodging I love to spend time researching to find the most uniquely quaint bed and breakfasts or resorts wherever I plan to visit. I have to admit that I love comfort, and I really like to be clean, so wherever I end up at night I need a shower and a comfortable bed. I love to find restaurants that are favorites of the locals. I love the beach, so a pristine tropical isle with a room that opens to the ocean would be amazing. But then again, how fun to stay in a 5 star hotel with a view of the city in Manhattan, take a walk through Central Park, attend a Broadway show and then have ice cream at Serendipity. I have spent time on an island off of the coast of Vancouver. British Columbia and it is gorgeous. I would love to find an amazing resort or bed and breakfast on Vancouver Island. I would love to give Quebec City another try. Wherever I am, I prefer to be able to communicate…and I only speak English….unless whoever I am with is braver than myself! Honestly, for me who I am with makes all of the difference as well. Everything is twice as enjoyable shared.

What is your favorite catch phrase?

Whatever….

Choose one from each pair:
Coke or Pepsi – Pepsi, and I can pass the taste test!
Beach or Lake – Beach
Dog or Cat – Dog, one that doesn’t shed.
Italian food or Mexican food – Yes, please!
Deciduous or Coniferous – Deciduous, even though I don’t want to rake the leaves…I love the colors of fall.
Pierce or Tattoo - Pierce
Scrunch or Fold – Definitely fold…unless it is hair. I used to scrunch that.

Psalm 19

I’ve never really enjoyed jig saw puzzles. Those 1000 piece puzzles where all of the colors and shapes start looking alike drive me crazy, plus for me they take forever. I don’t enjoy having something “unfinished” spread out all over a table for weeks on end waiting to be solved. It feels and looks like a mess to me and I don’t enjoy the clutter. Plus, when and if you do finish the puzzle, it bothers me that the picture is marred with all of the connection lines from the individual pieces. The frustrating part to me is finding a piece that is the right color and seeming correct shape only to discover that it doesn’t quite fit. At that point my frustration level leads me to just pound that “sucker” in till it does fit. Then, what do you do with it? You simply pull it apart and put it back in a box on a shelf. Obviously, you are now saying…whoa….way too obsessive! Get over it, just stay away from jig saw puzzles…simple solution. You are right….but, at times life feels like my own personal jig saw puzzle and I can’t just throw it back in the box and put it on the shelf. I am in it for the long haul. I totally believe that my God is in control and knows exactly how the pieces of my life fit perfectly together. My frustration with that is I don’t always know. I know the process has a purpose, but I don’t always enjoy the process. It is like the lyrics from a song by The Fray. “Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same.”

Sometimes I just cry out to Him and say, “Can’t you just tell me which piece to put in now so I can move on?” I keep trying pieces that just don’t fit. They seem so right, but for some reason they just don’t work out. Then there are other pieces laying there that are perfect, they are an obvious fit to the puzzle of my life. But, I can’t put them in yet because the pieces that join them to the rest of the picture aren’t in place yet. I have those pieces in my life now…sitting…waiting. I look at those pieces and I am just so anxious to get them in place. I know they fit. They are beautiful; they are the perfect shape and color for this picture of my life. Sometimes I get really scared that I will loose those pieces, that they will disappear or go away. I don’t want to take matters into my own hands and out of my impatience with the process “pound them into place” too soon. I just want to get to enjoy the picture, or at least enjoy the part of the picture that contains those pieces. In the meantime, I will anxiously anticipate that moment when I finally get to place those beautifully treasured pieces into the puzzle called my life. At that point I won’t even notice all of those connection lines that seemingly marred the picture because I will be immersed in the enjoyment of the fulfillment of a dream.

Psalm 18

I bought a standing mirror the other day. I needed, well actually, I wanted one that would match the oil rubbed bronze fixtures in the décor of my new bedroom. Plus, I needed a stand alone magnifying mirror for the purpose of make-up application. It has a magnifying strength of 7X. At that strength things are brought into focus that I am not sure that I really want to see! I don’t think that I am too different from most people in that when I look in the mirror I have a tendency to focus on all of the imperfections….all of the things that I would change if I truly could. We use makeup as a tool to enhance, hide or fix the image that we see. That got me thinking about seeing myself clearly, not just that image in the mirror, but deeper…the part of me that I really want people to see and “value”. That word, “value” resonated with something inside of me. It touched a deep pain that has lingered for years hidden deep within. Maybe I equate it with being loved. I know that I don’t always see anything special, anything to really be “valued” about me…so could it be that I don’t really feel loved or perhaps I don’t really even know what it looks like. I saw it out there in the ways that people would relate to one another, but it just wasn’t part of my own personal experience. My reality didn’t match. I had a roof over my head, I was fed, I didn’t come from a divorced family….so I must be “loved”….right? But do those things shelter your heart and feed your soul? I am struggling for words because this is something that is still being uncovered, something that I don’t yet fully understand but that I want to grasp so that the image that I see reflected will be a correct representation of who I am.



I had an amazing conversation with a friend who always brings thoughts into focus in my life. This friend is constantly challenging me to have a correct view of who I am. They are like a mirror to my soul. Sometimes I wish that I could see me through their eyes, maybe I would see things differently. What do they see that I have been unable to? I know the truth of scripture. I know we are all valued by God…we are His workmanship, made in His image, perfectly knit by Him for His purposes. That should be enough. But is it wrong to want to be valued by others? To feel like who you are matters enough that if you were gone that you would be missed? To feel like your presence makes a difference in someone’s life? To believe that you have something unique to offer? To believe that you have value not just to God, but value here on this earth? They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Both windows and mirrors are made up of glass, and yet have completely different usages. Windows are for the purpose of seeing out, for seeing what is beyond. Mirrors are for the purpose of seeing our reflection. The coating on the back of the mirror prevents us from looking beyond and forces us to see our image clearly, especially when it has a strength of 7X. We may see it clearly, but do we see it correctly? I think there is a big difference. How do you learn to see something correctly? More importantly, how do you learn to see who you truly are correctly and be OK with that? Without mirrors we would have no idea what we looked like unless someone standing in front of us described what they saw. Then, unless they know you really well, they would only give a physical description. It is only those who deeply know us that can see beyond the external to describe who we really are. These deep seeded friends serve as both our mirrors and our windows. They can be our mirrors when we have trouble seeing who we really are. They can give clarity when there is confusion. If all we had were mirrors though, we would become incredibly self absorbed. Windows are important for us to see beyond ourselves. They allow us to see the big picture and to dream. Our friends can also be our windows. They can remind us of our potential. They can encourage our dreams and even dream with us. It is hard to look out the window when we have not first fixed the distortion we see when we look in the mirror. I have come face to face with that…

Psalm 17 - Clanging Cymbals

We make a living by what we get.

We make a life by what we give.

It was just a quote penned by someone to sell a poster. It’s catchy. It’s cliché. It’s simplistic. It’s a Hallmark card. Yet it still made me stop and think….probably because that was where I was at on that particular day. I was evaluating giving….not just money, but my time….my heart….me. It is true; I go to my job and work to provide for the basic necessities of life. It is a bonus when we are fortunate enough to have a job that we enjoy so much that we could say that we would actually do it even if no pay were involved. Those dream jobs vary from person to person based on their individual talents and interests. I think of professional musicians and athletes and inventors. Still, most toil daily at something less than their passion because they have to make a living. They have to pay the bills. We can work as much or as little as we like based on what we consider the necessities of life to be. For some, it is just the basics of shelter, food, transportation. For others it is much more. How much of that income we keep for ourselves and how much we give away is based on our values as well. That is an easy call for me most of the time, but I will admit that I like to be comfortable. So, I would have to say that I am probably more selfish than I would like to believe. We/I do make a living by what we/I get. The second part doesn’t say we make a life by how much we give away….but it says by what we give. Obviously if someone’s basic needs are not being met we would want to help monetarily if we are able, but is that all it says? It would be all too easy to throw a few dollars someone’s way, call it a day, and go back to my comfortable home with a fully stocked refrigerator in my 2007 Caliber. It isn’t the fanciest of homes or the most expensive of cars by choice because I do want the opportunity to “give” some away. Yet, I have always believed that to invest in someone is more than giving them money…it involves a commitment to them of ourselves which involves a gift of time and love. I’ve been weighing the cost of that. When you give money away and it goes unappreciated or possibly is misused it is frustrating, but you know that there will always be that next paycheck. It is not that big of a deal. But, when you give of yourself….your heart….when that is abused or unappreciated or rejected even…that rips a piece of you away. How do you get that back? Do you just become hardened so that you avoid feeling? Do you run or put up walls around your heart so that you avoid the possibility of pain? Do you allow yourself to become angry and bitter? Do you begin to selfishly give just to get? Because if that is the case then that is more about you than the person that you are choosing to invest in! I guess as I have been evaluating my life I am trying to figure out how to give and specifically how much to give. Is it possible to give too much? And how much is too much anyway? Wouldn’t that be a value judgment based on capacity? We may have a limited resource in time…but love, shouldn’t there be an endless supply of that? That isn’t something that can be hoarded or stored up. As I considered how painful that process has been at times I remembered how many times I have just wanted to run, how many times I have wanted to just give up, how many times I have questioned the saying, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”. (Yeah, right…) Then I remembered this metal heart that I have on the wall in my guest bathroom. On it is the text from I Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

I think that is what it really is all about. I know that I make mistakes in loving. I haven’t figured out how to always do it perfectly…and everyone views and receives it differently. Besides this kind of love doesn’t come from me…it is of divine origin and I am only the conduit. Still because the vessel it comes through is imperfect, even though the love itself is perfect because of its origin, it is at times imperfectly given. Yet, I hope that at the end of my life if nothing more is said about me it will be that the fruits of the labor of my life, at least for the most part, was characterized by patience, kindness, humility, gentleness, forgiveness, selflessness. That those who knew me felt protected, trusted me, were encouraged by my presence and knew that I was always there for them. There was a song that I used to sing in the band that had as part of the lyrics, “Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay. Love to be love must be given away.” I Corinthians 13 concludes with what I think is the best summary of what we give to make a life…not just a living. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”