Psalm 6 - Still Dreamin'

I drove by it again the other day. There it stood, vacant, calling out for someone to give it life, that perfect piece of real estate that had embodied a dream. I envisioned the room filled with the sounds of vintage instruments that had meticulously been refurbished to their original splendor by the gifted hands of a passionate musician. They were now on display for all to enjoy and sample. The craftsman enjoyed the fruits of his labor, but was willing to part with them knowing that those who purchased them would give new life to these once discarded treasures. Each instrument had its own story and each was awaiting the next chapter of their life to be written when that special person walked in and saw the potential each possessed. This was not just a place to purchase instruments, but more like an adoption process where instruments and instrumentalists found each other in a comfortable setting with cozy couches that invited you to sit and spend time chatting with the owners about life and the shared passion of music. There were stories told and memories shared. When you entered, life slowed to a pace that could be savored, much like sipping the steaming cups of coffee that were offered at the beverage counter. The music wafted outside to the terrace where tables were set up to allow for spontaneous jams by patrons who just enjoyed hanging out with others of like passions. Musical tastes varied, but there was a common love and appreciation of the art form. They may have entered as curious customers, but they would return again and again to this place that became like a community…an extended family to them. What was the name that we had dreamt about? Why could I not remember? Was I letting the dream escape like so many others had? No, it was still alive, simmering, waiting….and waiting. Much like the instruments waiting to be brought to new life, my dreams lay waiting to be given life.

Psalm 5 - To Journal or Not to Journal That is the Question

Sometimes I am not sure why I journal. My mind is constantly pondering, questioning, meditating, wondering, analyzing, thinking and rethinking. I don’t think my brain understands the phrase “just give it a rest”. It seems to be in a constant state of conversation with itself. So, why bother to put these thoughts down on paper? Why not just leave them in the secret files of my mental notes. I mean, no one really reads these epistles composed of my lessons gleaned from life. And yet, that isn’t really what seems to be important to me or I might have actually told people that I have a blog. No one really knows. I am drawn to compose my scattered thoughts on paper, or in this case electronic cyberspace, because there seems to be something cathartic about the power of the pen (or keyboard). Maybe by putting it down and having to actually visualize the thoughts that were racing through my brain, they will either be seen with more clarity to be revealed as truth….or perhaps be revealed as folly. But then again, when written for all to see then the folly is seen by all, not just me. There is a certain vulnerability attached to the revelation of my most intimate thoughts and feelings being put on display for public view…and possible judgment. Blogs are now interesting because they are becoming more and more public. They are a form of a diary. When I was a little girl growing up we all had our diaries that held our most intimate and private thoughts. The diaries came with lock and key and even when locked you would hide it away out of fear that someone might glimpse the secrets it contained. Now putting our thoughts out for public consumption has become the norm rather than the exception. By posting our blogs we have given everyone the key to our diaries. There have been several times in the last few days when I have wanted to journal and yet felt stymied. I realized today that it had a lot to do with the fact that there are just a lot of thoughts that I still want to keep under lock and key. I want to dialogue. I want to compose. But I am not ready to publish. Hmmm do I really trust anyone who might read to have access to the intimacies of my thoughts and as a result the power to perhaps condemn, judge or even crush my spirit or hurt my heart? Maybe when I can answer that question….or not be afraid of that question…then I will actually share the fact that I have a blog with others.

Psalm 4 - On the Way to Where I am Going

I heard someone’s motto the other day. It was “be happy where you are, on the way to where you’re going”. Usually when I hear something that I like and hope to remember, I have to immediately grab a pen and jot it down on the nearest scrap of paper in order to avoid it disappearing into the black abyss that used to contain my memory. However, this one permeated my thinking to the extent that I not only didn’t have to write it down, but it has embedded itself into the fiber of my being. As the ticking of the time clock of my existence continues at a seemingly ever rapid pace, I am more and more aware of my desire to finish this race called life with incredible purpose. I equate being “happy” with contentedness. In my own life through the years; whether it be through circumstances, chemical make-up, lack of faith, or whatever…I have perfected the art of worrying. It is not something of which I am proud. It is not even something that I in any way want to be about and yet it remains a thread that has consistently woven itself through my life. I know scripture and have read Paul’s words that “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am”. I think that perhaps the key words in this phrase may be “have learned”. In other words, if you have to “learn” something then it may not be something that is innately within you. That is probably where the exercise of faith comes in. If I have put my trust in God for my eternal salvation, then how foolish is it to not be able to trust Him with all of the details that lead up to that moment of being called into His presence. How do I “know” this and yet find the exercise of this so very difficult? You can hear truth, but you can’t really learn truth without putting it to the test. Our daily walk is learning to live in that place of contentedness or happiness as a result of resting in the truth of His words by exercising the faith that whatever circumstances may come our way, His promises are indeed trustworthy. In simpler terms, actually believing that He has our back. I am in the process of learning to live in the present state of “contentedness” or as stated in the motto….being happy. But in the process of learning to be content I never want to become complacent. I don’t want to be so “content” that I loose dreaming. I see people get to the place of passively accepting the status quo, being comfortable in the routine, and not really possessing or pursuing any goals or dreams. I want my life to always have dreams and I want to dream in technicolor. I realize that I come alive around those whose lives are still passionately in pursuit of possibilities. If I picture this life as a journey, then I love that there are those times of sitting on the beach in some small coastal town, breathing the salt air and feeling the cool sea breeze. I love stopping in a roadside diner and experiencing the “special” on the menu that is a unique reflection of the area’s culture. I want to travel the back roads and see the wonders that would be missed if you simply stayed on the roads most traveled; for instance the short cuts, the ones most populated and frequently traveled, the safest routes,….. or if you chose to not travel at all. I don’t want to miss opportunities by not sensing when it is time to “remain” and when it is time to “move on” to the next opportunity. I want to be amazed by the surprises that come my way because I was willing to risk following my heart. I want to have the strength to journey on even if others lag behind or choose to not follow. I am aware that the measure of contentedness is in direct proportion to understanding that those dreams need to be aligned with the purposes for which I was created by the One who has given me life. So, as I am learning to experience the reality of this faith-walk, this journey called life, I want to be happy where I am on the way to where I am going.

Psalm 3 - Obstacles, Fears and Dreams...Oh My

“Anyway”

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin’
One storm could come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You could chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all you heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

The author of this song is obviously an optimist. One that chooses to not let life hold them captive, but instead chooses to live life to the fullest despite insurmountable odds. This is exactly how I want to live my journey, with a passion to pursue my dreams and my call without reservation. This is not to say that you live without regard to those who are part of your journey, you just don’t let them be the director of your dreams. You have those trusted friends that you look to for input and advice, but you must in the end be responsible to follow your heart. I am learning to not be a constant victim of what has been the primary inhibitor of my journey thus far – FEAR. I think everyone battles fear to some degree and in some cases it can even be our protector. Fear, much like pain, can even be a good thing when it is channeled as a healthy respect of harmful influences or situations. It becomes unhealthy when it totally rules our lives and is the loud voice directing all our decisions. I know that some of my biggest fears have been of failure and of rejection. To not try is to not fail. But then again your life is then void of the incredible excitement of having lessons learned from experiencing challenges and discovering ways to overcome them. Plus, you have robbed yourself of any opportunity to experience the joy of unexpected success. I have lived much of my life replacing the last line of each of the verses to “So don’t risk it anymore”. I have viewed the courage of others who dared to dream and venture into the unknown and see themselves experience the satisfaction of at least knowing they have tried and given their all even if the outcome was not exactly what they had set out pursuing. Sometimes their roads were diverted into amazing adventures that they would not have experienced had they never risked. Sometimes there is indeed “failure”. But which is the greatest failure? To love and lose or to never love at all? I love the song “Unwritten” –

"Unwritten"

I am unwritten, can't read my mind,
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

I am trying to discover what has conditioned me to think that I can’t make mistakes. I don’t want that perfectionism and fear to define and limit my journey. I really can’t live that way anymore. I am beginning to free myself from the chains that would allow my arms to be wide open to possibilities. There are still pages in my book that are unwritten. I don’t want them to stay blank due to the paralyzing grip of fear. I want to choose to embrace possibilities and view failure, not as failure, but as a redirection of the path of my journey. After all, “every new beginning starts with some other beginning’s end”.

Psalm 2 - Those Who Journey With Us

We are about to do a remodel on our home and as such there is a lot of rearranging and moving to accommodate the changes. In the process you come to realize just how much “stuff” one accumulates in this journey of life. As I go through drawers and cupboards I can attach stories and “moments” to so many of the items that seemed so very necessary at the time, but now are relegated to the darkened confines of shelves and closets. Some of my “collections” have monetary value, but their value to me has diminished as my interests changed. Somehow the hunt was far more rewarding than the actual possession of them. None of these “things” can comfort me when my heart is hurting. None of these “possessions” lend a listening ear when I need someone to talk to when I am confused or discouraged. They have little to offer past the momentary pleasure of acquisition or the possible monetary reward. Sure some of them provide physical comforts. But meeting my physical needs alone leaves me….well, lonely. The one treasure that has actually increased in value and importance in my life journey is something that isn’t material in nature, but relational. It is the gift of friendship. I would like to say that this is one thing that can’t be bought. Some would say you can. But I would venture to say that upon examination our definition of friendship would be quite different. Interestingly enough I have found that many people equate acquiring vast numbers of friends with their own worth. It probably starts somewhere in our youth where our popularity is in direct proportion to the number of people that sign our yearbooks. My high school yearbooks are filled with signatures of “friends” that vowed undying loyalty simply as a result of having spent a semester sitting next to me in one of my classes or having a locker next to mine. Most of them I haven’t seen or heard from after exiting that particular class. Of course, there were always new “friends” in the next semester’s classes and they too would pledge their devotion in the next edition of the school yearbook. Some of them even spell your name correctly and say things far deeper than “have fun with the boys” and “have a great summer”. I see the MySpace pages in today’s world and notice that many people have hundreds of “friends. I see a term BFF. I think it refers to Best Friend Forever. It seems like there are a lot of people whose “forevers” are very short lived. Their BFF changes frequently and is seemingly easily replaced if anything complicates the relationship. Along this journey I have learned the difference between what I now consider to be acquaintances and those people who come into your life that are truly FRIENDS. FRIEND is not a term that I use loosely anymore. To me a true friend is one that knows the deepest parts of your heart, even the dark places that you have chosen to hide and protect out of fear of rejection, and chooses to still love. They STAY. They choose to not run when issues complicate the relationship. They value you enough to fight for the friendship by being willing to spend hours talking to be able to hear and understand your heart and see the broken parts as worth fixing. They are longsuffering because sometimes it just takes a while to get it, but they stick around until you do and then they celebrate those life victories with you. They laugh with you, not at you, and they cry with you when you hurt. They are your greatest fan and yet they sometimes even challenge you because they see things in you that you can’t even see in yourself and they want to see you become who you were created to be. They speak truth…but always in love and always with your best interest in mind. They prefer you. You can spend hours with them talking about anything and everything or feel completely comfortable just sitting quietly in their presence knowing there is no place that you would rather be at that moment. Awkward silence doesn’t exist in this world. It is totally not about where you are at, but who you are with. Sure, being at the beach, lying under the stars at that moment would make it perfect, but then again…only with them. They know exactly what you are thinking, and you know they know exactly what you are thinking, even before a word is spoken. You can see it in their eyes…that knowing glance and little smile. Anymore it is not the quantity of friends that I desire, but the quality of friends. It is not about how wide my circle of friends is, but the depth of the friendships that I possess in my life. It is no longer how many signatures are in my book of life, but how deeply they have chosen to write their name into my heart…with permanent marker.